well, I kept trying to post a long-ish email I got, but it wouldn't work, and then it wouldn't let me back in for the rest of the day. Bastards! So here are the fun parts.

Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 PM instead of 7:30.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.