It has come to my attention that most people may not be aware of the history behind my title here. I didn't make it up, I wish I did, but here is the original thing.

The Parenting Test
(how to tell if you're ready)

Mess Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego. (If Lego is not available, you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Supermarket Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the supermarket. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Weetabix or Ready Brek) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 lbs of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest chemists. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.

Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.